Branson Buys Sri Lanka for $148 Billion

Sir Richard Branson stands on Sri Lanka. After buying the Asian nation for $148 billion, he cleared it of all inhabitants with the help of U.S. Army National Guardsmen. "Soon," says the British billionaire, surveying his new back yard, "this land will be populated with little me's. Little, strong, genetically engineered me's."

IMPORTANT Alert:

As CNN recently reported Treasury Boss Paulson and Fed chief Ben Bernanke want to make more money available for mortgages to help ease the credit crunch. Plus, they want borrowers to have more protection from rabid lenders.

But the really real shocker came when the two men revealed they are suing every American, as their employer, for causing their baldness. Yes, they're still working to remedy the nation's subprime mortgage crisis, BUT as Ben put it "My wife will never be able to caress my flowing salt and pepper locks ever again. And I will never forgive the American people for this. It's all your fault, each and every one of you should be ashamed. As soon as my term is up I'm moving back to the holy land, Shalom y'all."

Happy Birthday...

Here's what we saw:

BUT here's what he saw...

Hey Don, what's Tyson's IQ?

Greenspan: "No subprime crisis... PATS BY 5!"

In an odd departure from his normal post-retirement activites -- which include washing his hands of the past and sending the stock markets into turmoil -- Alan Greenspan called the line on this weekend's Patriot's game Friday morning. According to Washington Post reports, the former Fed chairman called a press conference in his wood-paneled basement to make his prediction: "Pats by five. In your face. And I got Randy Moss on my fantasy team, the Greenbacks. Heh-heh."

Athlete, Actor, Murderer... and Author

O.J. "The Butcher" Simpson has decided to pen a few short stories of his own... he calls it the "If I" collection. The Juice claims he was inspired by the "Dummies" series of books (which he has never read)...

The first book in the series "If I Did It" is a classic boy meets girl, boy beheads girl love story.

His soon to be released follow-up, "If I Killed a Mockingbird" will hit bookstores later this month.

Cindy Crawford's Alter Ego?

Our troupe of financial celebrity reporters recently uncovered this "glamour shot" of Prince Alwaleed bin Talal, Saudi billionaire, owner of the Four Seasons Hotels with Bill Gates... and the self-described "Biggest fuckin' Cindy Crawford fan on the planet, okay?" Here Mr. Talal sports a Crawford-esque beauty mark he told close associates would land him a modeling job with the Ford Agency... Further updates to come.

Housing crunch... BS!

Don't tell Brent and Muffy Halloway of Greenwich, CT the real estate market is going down the crapper. They're not buying into these myths. Heck no...

In fact, they recently purchased their dream home.

And when scaled properly they've got over 4,000 square feet (under air) of gorgeous living space.



As curly-haired Brent blurted out at the closing "I spit in the face of all those losers getting foreclosed on. What morons."

Two hours later... when the hallucinogens wore off - Brent and Muffy realized they just financed the most expensive doll house in America, total cost: (not including doc stamps and title insurance) $325,900.

When you're a multi-billionaire...

You can fart whenever you damn well please.

Bernanke Before the Jobs Report

"So... like... Why don't we smoke a bowl of Count Chocula... and just wait and SEE what the jobs report has to say... I'm sure it'll be cool. Dude, do you have my troll pencil? I need to do some quick calculations..."

She's hot... and they're this BIG!

Maybe if Ian McCarthy, CEO of Beazer Homes USA Inc., wasn't so concerned with the size of his secretaries boobies his companies stock would be doing better.

Please note: This photo was taken at a shareholder meeting last June. He spent the better part of an hour describing his secretary in great detail to a shocked crowd of thousands.

Have You Seen this Man?

This looks like a police sketch.

Spencer NOT for Hire, Bee-Hawtch!

"I'm a rich jerk! Yeah! And I'm on a like roller coaster zooming along, thinking that someone might be taking my picture, and how that might make Heidi like me even more when she sees it on the blogs... and also I'm really cool... Did I mention that?"

We know this has nothing to do with business or finance, but his name is Spencer Pratt, which sounds like a Wall Street name, no? Comments welcome. Please, inundate us! NOW. We want the most powerful financial celebrity blog in America, and we're willing to do anything for it. Perez Hilton, eat our collective shorts.

Private Equity Parts

Does Steve Schwartzman look nervous? The credit crunch must have him wondering how long he can keep this smouldering cougar happy. Rawrrr! We're guessing the next time he sees Rod Stewart, it will be from behind... in a very fast car... with this woman in the passenger seat?

Warren Buffett Celebrates His Millionth Ass Kiss!

Congratulations go to Warren Buffett. At the summer school commencement address of Nebraska Tech's biogenetics remedial program, the Oracle celebrated receiving the 1 millionth kiss on his left buttock. The ceremonial bouche was delivered by Buffett fan and Class B Berkshire shareholder Rajnip Majrahal, a student from Prajnek, India.

Ready, Set... BEARD!

"From this angle... he kind of looks like my mother... But Ma-mo's beard ain't that shiny... Although maybe it's the lights... Yeah, it's the lights..."