Branson Buys Sri Lanka for $148 Billion

Sir Richard Branson stands on Sri Lanka. After buying the Asian nation for $148 billion, he cleared it of all inhabitants with the help of U.S. Army National Guardsmen. "Soon," says the British billionaire, surveying his new back yard, "this land will be populated with little me's. Little, strong, genetically engineered me's."

IMPORTANT Alert:

As CNN recently reported Treasury Boss Paulson and Fed chief Ben Bernanke want to make more money available for mortgages to help ease the credit crunch. Plus, they want borrowers to have more protection from rabid lenders.

But the really real shocker came when the two men revealed they are suing every American, as their employer, for causing their baldness. Yes, they're still working to remedy the nation's subprime mortgage crisis, BUT as Ben put it "My wife will never be able to caress my flowing salt and pepper locks ever again. And I will never forgive the American people for this. It's all your fault, each and every one of you should be ashamed. As soon as my term is up I'm moving back to the holy land, Shalom y'all."

Happy Birthday...

Here's what we saw:

BUT here's what he saw...

Hey Don, what's Tyson's IQ?

Greenspan: "No subprime crisis... PATS BY 5!"

In an odd departure from his normal post-retirement activites -- which include washing his hands of the past and sending the stock markets into turmoil -- Alan Greenspan called the line on this weekend's Patriot's game Friday morning. According to Washington Post reports, the former Fed chairman called a press conference in his wood-paneled basement to make his prediction: "Pats by five. In your face. And I got Randy Moss on my fantasy team, the Greenbacks. Heh-heh."

Athlete, Actor, Murderer... and Author

O.J. "The Butcher" Simpson has decided to pen a few short stories of his own... he calls it the "If I" collection. The Juice claims he was inspired by the "Dummies" series of books (which he has never read)...

The first book in the series "If I Did It" is a classic boy meets girl, boy beheads girl love story.

His soon to be released follow-up, "If I Killed a Mockingbird" will hit bookstores later this month.

Cindy Crawford's Alter Ego?

Our troupe of financial celebrity reporters recently uncovered this "glamour shot" of Prince Alwaleed bin Talal, Saudi billionaire, owner of the Four Seasons Hotels with Bill Gates... and the self-described "Biggest fuckin' Cindy Crawford fan on the planet, okay?" Here Mr. Talal sports a Crawford-esque beauty mark he told close associates would land him a modeling job with the Ford Agency... Further updates to come.